How to talk about the end of life without feeling pressure to be strong

(Aging Untold) — People don’t always get to control how life ends, but some get a moment to decide how they’ll say goodbye and who they’ll say goodbye to.

If you are the one saying goodbye, you do not have to stay strong for anyone else, according to the Aging Untold experts.

You are not there to manage anyone else’s emotions

“Sam” Cradduck, a gerontologist, said a person who knows the end is near is not telling loved ones about it to manage their emotions.

“You need to be getting the support that you need,” Cradduck said.

She said she understands that others are going through the same grief and crisis because they are losing that person.

“But you need the support system,” she said.

If you’re the one hearing the news

Cradduck said people who hear this news from someone can be that support.

“Break down with them and be honest about those emotions, but don’t expect the person that’s dying to be the one that’s holding you up,” Cradduck said.

She said she has seen that happen too many times.

Some people want distance. Others want company.

Aging expert Amy O’Rourke recalled sitting in church when the minister shared that he had been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

“You could hear a pin drop,” she said.

The minister asked people not to come up and ask him questions or talk to him, O’Rourke said. He said he needed distance and space, but he wanted the congregation to know because they would see physical changes in him.

“I had the utmost respect for that,” she said. “We all have to die on our own terms.”

Others go a different route.

They may say they don’t have much time left and want to spend it together, Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, said.

Aging well coach Katherine Ambrose said everyone is different.

“You really don’t know how it might hit you either way,” she said.

She listed grief, unfinished business and relationships among the things a person may be dealing with.

Start with what you need, then ask for it

Ambrose suggested a conversation starter: “I wish I had more time, but let’s make the best of the time that’s left.”

Another option, Rogers said, is to say: “This is how I’d like you to celebrate my life.”

O’Rourke said the first step is to think through what you need and then ask for it.

She said some people who are dying don’t want to talk about it. They want to go and experience life, and they don’t want someone looking at them with sympathy.

Living or existing

People have a choice every day to live their lives to the fullest or to exist, Cradduck said. That choice remains after a terminal diagnosis.

“You can live every day until you pass through your final sunset, or you can exist every day,” Cradduck said. “I have seen people do it both ways.”

She said she has seen people who were actively dying who were still doing things they wanted to do and accomplish.

We live in a society that has a problem talking about death and dying, Cradduck said.

“We don’t like to face mortality, and it’s the reason why we don’t plan for it,” she said.

She said she admires anyone who can face it “with the grace and respect for themselves and everyone else around them.”

When you’re invited into the conversation

Ambrose said the conversation can be awkward and people often don’t know how to act. The minister’s request let the congregation off the hook so they didn’t feel they had to address it, she added.

For people who want to talk openly, listeners should engage rather than brush it off by saying, “Oh, Mom, let’s not talk about that,” Ambrose said.

“Give people that peace to be able to speak either way when you’re invited into those conversations,” she said.