Dear Abby: Inviting sibling’s ex-husband to graduation party tore family apart

DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Randee," and I are experiencing a falling-out with our older brother, "Darren," which has left us hurt and confused. We come from a large, tightly knit family, and there's always some sort of celebration happening. We siblings are in our 40s and 50s, so there are also lots of nieces and nephews.

Darren and his wife planned a small graduation party for their son and invited Randee's ex-husband, who was a complete monster during their recent divorce. Randee and I didn't want to be around him at all. Darren and his wife were aware of this but invited him anyway. Although Darren has a long-term friendship with Randee's ex, we were still upset that he chose him over us.

When I approached Darren about the situation and asked him nicely to have us come earlier and the ex come later, he reacted with anger and told us not to come at all! He later told us never to contact him again and that we are cut off from his children as well.

It has been nine months, and he hasn't shown up to any family functions. When I saw my nephew at the park, he ignored me as if I didn't exist. That hurt a lot, considering how close we always were. Darren refuses to apologize or make amends, and he stews in anger over it. His wife and children have joined his anger-fest as well. My parents spent their whole lives keeping us all together and making the holidays and celebrations special. They are heartbroken as well. How do we proceed? — BROKEN IN NEW YORK

DEAR BROKEN: From what you have written, I suspect there may be more turmoil in your family than you mentioned in your letter. Start trying to mend fences by apologizing to Darren for dictating who he could or could not entertain at his son's graduation celebration. Darren did not choose his friend over you and Randee. He chose all three of you, and you chose to create drama where it didn't need to exist.

As the host, he, not you, was rightly in charge of his guest list. To enjoy the same graduation party as Randee's ex, all you had to do was avoid talking to him without making an announcement or making it obvious. This is what polite people do if they fear they will encounter an uncomfortable situation.

DEAR ABBY: What is the rule of etiquette for waving to neighbors? I wave to some who never return the wave. Is it OK to stop waving to them? Should I wait until somebody waves to wave back? I feel like a fool waving to the same people who never wave back. — NEED WAVE GUIDANCE

DEAR WAVE: There's no harm in waving to someone who doesn't reciprocate, but if it makes you uncomfortable, there's also no reason to continue. Are you otherwise on good terms with these neighbors? Do you ever pause for a chat or have them over for dinner? If you rarely or never speak to them, they may not feel your relationship warrants a wave.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.